Got to thinking...

I added a new Really Cool Blog to my list in the sidebar called A little pregnant. The woman who writes it suffered through infertility for years and ended up getting pregnant through IVF. However, her baby was born early and she and her baby almost did not make it. Her baby is now 3 months old and both are doing fine thankfully. It is really interesting reading her stories and I do admire how strong she is to have gone through so much and still be funny.

But as I read her blog, I often go back to the days of my own infertility. It was during a previous lifetime. I say this because it does seem so long ago now, but the scars are still there. I always say that infertility is THE hardest thing that I have faced in my life to date. It was during my previous marriage and for 2 years it was my whole life. My cycle was my life. I could tell you what day of my cycle I was on and what my cf (cervical fluid, I know tmi) consistency was like on that day and what my bbt (basal body temp) was that morning. I was a walking encyclopedia for infertility. And it probably ruined who I was and thus ruined my marriage which ended in divorce. And not a day goes by that I think of that time period that changed me so drastically.

So now I flash forward 6 years and I am happily married again with this absolutely beautiful child that I gave BIRTH to. Still to this day, I am in disbelief that it happened to me. I don't know how Jack was conceived (well yeah I do know how), but how did it happen to me. I call him my little miracle because he was conceived without the use of drugs or procedures, this after a doctor told me there was no way I could conceive without using such devices.

All during the pregnancy, I was in denial. I literally took 5 pregnancy tests to verify that I was pregnant, including one when I was like 4 months along and had already seen the ultrasound. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I, Dawn, had joined the "Mommy club". The elusive club that I had been trying to enter for years and years had finally swung open its doors to me and let me in.

And here I am a year after giving birth to this miracle child and I still feel the scars of infertility. Jim and I are not doing anything to stop a second miracle from happening. So when I get my monthly friend, I go through about 3 minutes of that old feeling of despair and self-doubt. I feel cheated somehow. But all I have to do is look at Jack and it all goes away. How can I ask for more when I have everything right now?